When patterns repeat and don’t make sense
Do you ever find yourself engaging in a pattern over and over, and you can see, when you take a step back, that you’re doing it, but in the moment it’s so hard to witness or change it?
Or do you find that there are parts of yourself you feel you don’t know well, that show up at inconvenient moments, or that others can see aspects of you that you can’t?
All of these behaviors and patterns are encompassed by a concept called the shadow. You may have heard of “shadow work” online and wondered what that meant, or, perhaps, you already know but want to learn more.
What is the shadow?
The concept of the shadow was first coined in Western psychology by Carl Jung. In case you don’t know who he is, he was an apprentice of Freud who developed his own view of the human psyche and is considered one of the founding fathers of modern psychology.
From Jung’s point of view, and what he observed in himself, those around him, and his patients, human beings tend to have a sense of who they are. This is the “I,” or the ego.
For example, when you say, “I am a woman,” or “I am a man,” or “I am a teacher, a doctor, a lawyer, a mother, or a father,” or any other identifying statement.
It is also the personality traits we ascribe to ourselves. For example, “I am funny,” or “I am not an angry person” (I hear that one a lot), or “I am a happy person,” or “I am a depressed person” (another one I hear often).
All of these statements describe our self-concept, our sense of “I,” and how we see ourselves as a separate and complete entity that is distinct from our environment.
What Jung also noticed is that many of the attributes his patients did not identify would show up unconsciously in the guise of symptoms or erratic behavior.
How the shadow forms
From a Jungian point of view, when we are born, we are complete. Meaning we have no sense of “I” or “other,” and no sense of “this is good” or “this is bad.” We just are.
But through the process of socialization—which is necessary—and through understanding that I am separate from you or them, and that my feelings are not always the same as your feelings, and that we can all have different thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, and behaviors—our psyche grows.
As we develop this awareness, we also begin to absorb the values around us, discover our own tastes and preferences, and form our own values.
This is a process that involves both nurture and nature, because it’s how our temperament and environment interact with each other that determine how this process will unfold.
So then as we develop a sense of self, anything that lives outside of that sense of self will end up in the unconscious part of our psyche, thus forming the “shadow” self.
So if we go back to the idea that we are all actually complete and contain all traits within us, that means that anything that doesn’t match up with the traits you believe yourself to have will, in some form, be living in your shadow.
And this is, in a way, a good thing, because we need certain traits to be more dominant in order to function and move through the world. Otherwise, we would have no distinguishing form and be completely unable to make decisions as all parts would equally balance each other out.
Problems arise, however, when the parts of ourselves that are disowned don’t get enough breathing room or expression. They tend to start showing up sideways.
When the shadow shows up sideways
What does that mean?
It means these parts show up when we least expect them, when we’re not aware. Essentially, what Jung described as unconscious behavior, because the shadow is part of the unconscious.
For example, you may have heard people say, “I’m not an angry person.” I hear that quite often.
Interestingly, it is often the people who strongly identify this way who may express anger in more passive-aggressive ways. This is a clear example of anger showing up sideways.
Rather than being expressed directly, the person cannot fully acknowledge that they are angry because it conflicts with their self-image. Instead, the anger may emerge through a tone of voice they are not fully aware of, though others notice it, or through cutting remarks delivered under the guise of friendliness or neutrality.
This can create an inability to fully own our actions, and a disadvantage, because we are unable to work with and integrate these aspects of the self in a more conscious and intentional way. It can wreck havoc on our relationships, diminish our self-trust and self-esteem, and keep us stuck in harmful behavioral loops.
The “gold in the shadow”
Another piece of this is what Jung referred to as the “gold in the shadow.” This is the idea that what we repress or disown is not only difficult material, but can also contain repressed talents, skills, and abilities.
For example, a person who says they are not angry may also have difficulty being assertive and may not think of themselves as an assertive person. Yet, owning their anger might actually help them become more direct, more clear, and more effective in getting things done.
Similarly, someone may have been told all their life that they weren’t good at something, so they push that ability into the shadow. But in reality, they may be capable of it, or it may be something that brings them immense joy regardless of skill; they may simply need time to develop that skill or permission to engage with it without judgment about how “good” they are.
Working with the shadow
If you’re feeling curious about shadow work and want support in understanding and integrating your own shadow in a way that feels meaningful and aligned with your life, you can book a consultation call with me.
In our call, we can talk about what you’re noticing in your patterns, what feels confusing or hard to shift on your own, and whether working together might be a supportive fit for you. It’s also an opportunity to ask questions and get a sense of what this kind of work could look like in a therapeutic context.
And if you’re not quite ready for that yet, that’s completely okay too. My next blog post will offer a series of prompts and guided exercises to help you begin exploring your shadow work process on your own in a gentle and structured way.