When a relationship ends, there are bound to be some emotions attached. Sometimes, there can be elation, relief, or even apathy for one or both of the partners involved. The most common emotion attached to a breakup is grief, and grief can be complicated.
Grief is often associated with the loss of a loved one through death. Still, it can also encompass the complex emotions that arise when a significant romantic or platonic relationship ends. The end of a relationship can be as emotionally challenging as any other form of loss. In this blog, we will explore the process of grieving a romantic relationship, offering insights and strategies to help you navigate this difficult journey toward healing and self-discovery.
But how do we navigate the complications that come with a break up in Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), particularly the aftermath? What happens if multiple partners are involved, such as a polycule or an even larger dynamic? What if it isn’t a full break up but simply a restructuring of the relationship (kitchen table into hierarchy)?*
Please note that this blog will address the stages/actions in the aftermath of a dynamic rupture (breakup) or shift. There will be another blog specifically addressing questions to ask yourself and your partner(s) before a rupture or shift.
Stages of Grief
While the stages of grief can vary from person to person, there are common emotional stages that many individuals go through when mourning the end of a relationship:
- Denial: Initially, accepting the relationship is over may be challenging. Denial can serve as a protective mechanism, shielding you from the full weight of the loss.
- Anger: As reality sets in, you may feel anger towards your ex-partner(s), yourself, or the situation. This anger can be a natural response to the perceived injustice of the breakup.
- Bargaining: You might find yourself bargaining with your ex-partner(s), wishing for a reconciliation, or trying to negotiate the terms of the breakup.
- Depression: Deep sadness and a sense of hopelessness can overwhelm you as you come to terms with the finality of the breakup.
- Acceptance: Eventually, with time and self-reflection, you can reach a point of acceptance where you begin to let go and move forward with your life.
Understanding the Complexity of Grief in Relationships
Grieving the end of a romantic relationship is a unique experience because it involves mourning the person(s) you loved and the emotional place you felt you had and/or possibly the future you had envisioned together. Here are some aspects of grief in the context of a relationship:
- Loss of Identity: In many relationships, you develop a sense of identity alongside your partner(s). When the relationship ends, it can feel like losing a part of yourself.
- Physical Symptoms: Grief can manifest physically, leading to symptoms such as sleep disturbances, loss of appetite, and fatigue
- Emotional Rollercoaster: Grief is not a linear process. You may experience a range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even relief. These emotions may come and go in waves. Those waves may be incredibly big and long-lasting, short and small, or any combination of the two.
- Nostalgia: You may find yourself reminiscing about the good times and idealizing the past, making it difficult to move forward.
- Social Impact: Relationships often involve shared social circles. The end of a relationship can result in changes in friendships and social dynamics.
“Ruptures in Ethical Non-Monogamous relationships, much like in monogamous ones, are inevitable. They serve as critical moments for growth and deeper understanding. How partners navigate these challenges can strengthen their bonds, foster resilience, and reaffirm their commitment to clear communication, trust, and mutual respect.”
Coping Strategies for Grieving a Relationship
- Allow Yourself to Grieve: Embrace your emotions, even the painful ones. Scream louder, cry harder, laugh longer. Suppressing grief can prolong the healing process.
- Seek Support: Lean on friends, other partners, and family for emotional support. Sharing your feelings with trusted individuals can provide comfort and perspective.
- Professional Help: Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor specializing in relationship issues. They can help you process your emotions and develop coping strategies.
- Self-Care: Prioritize self-care to nurture your physical and emotional well-being. This can include exercise, a healthy diet, relaxation techniques, and creative outlets.
- Talk It Out: This can be an option if you are still connected through a metamour, a significant number of mutual friends, or even simply having shifted from a relationship into a friendship. This requires a hefty amount of skill in open communication and listening, as well as processing your own emotions independently, before seeking this option. It can be a healthy and healing route as it provides a lot of closure to each of the parties involved.
- Create a New Narrative: Focus on your personal growth and rediscover your identity outside the relationship. Set new goals and pursue your passions.
- Limit Contact: If needed, establish boundaries with your ex-partner(s) to allow yourself the space necessary for healing. This can also help reduce confusion and prevent further emotional turmoil.
Grieving the end of a relationship is a challenging and deeply personal journey. It’s important to remember that healing is not linear, and there is no set timetable for moving on. Give yourself the grace to experience your emotions and seek support when needed. Ultimately, the end of a relationship can be an opportunity for personal growth, self-discovery, and the eventual emergence of a stronger, wiser, and more resilient you. With time, patience, and self-compassion, you can navigate the storm of grief and emerge on the other side, ready to embrace a brighter future.
*These are just some examples of ENM, but they are certainly not the limit of dynamic ruptures that can happen. Each situation is going to be unique to the relationship.