Has sex with your partner become less spontaneous?
Sometimes there’s this idea that when spontaneous sex stops, so do romance, passion, and eroticism. But that doesn’t have to be the case! While a lack of spontaneous sex can lead to a dip in that passion if left alone, spontaneity isn’t the only way to grow intimacy and excitement in a relationship.
And, realistically, spontaneous sex is hard! When you’re at the beginning of a relationship, the “honeymoon phase” as some call it, most of your time is spent exploring the unknown. This is someone who is new to you in so many ways, including sexually! That sense of the unknown on its own is enough to create excitement within most of us.
Consider that at the beginning of a relationship, the time you spend with your partner is mainly about getting closer to one another and exploring that intimacy and excitement. As relationships progress, partners become part of the less sexy details of our day-to-day lives. That is a different kind of intimacy, but it can also restrict the ability for spontaneous sex!
But planned sex can be just as exciting and erotic as spontaneous.
If the idea of planned sex sounds boring and restrictive, we get it. It doesn’t sound particularly sexy–until you think about the details of what planning sex can involve. Here are 4 ways planning sex can build excitement and eroticism, just as well as spontaneous sex:
Planning gives you time to explore more elaborate fantasies:
Is there something you’d like to try, but maybe it involves toys or a more involved setup than spontaneous sex allows for? Planning sex is a perfect opportunity to give yourself a chance to explore those ideas with your partner. Maybe you need to introduce a new idea to them or discuss the logistics of how to achieve a certain fantasy. This doesn’t have to be boring or perfunctory! It allows you to talk to your partner about your fantasies and embrace the excitement that comes with them.
Maybe the two of you even need to shop for toys together to make the fantasy happen. Getting to browse toys and imagine how they’d be using them on your partner or vice versa is a great way to build excitement and heat between the two of you without being physically intimate.
Planning can build excitement:
When you have something planned, you have something to look forward to. That means, instead of lasting for just the amount of time you’ll actually be physically having sex, the experience is extended–from the moment you plan it, through all the moments you allude to it, hint about it, mention it, tease your partner about waiting until you’re actually able to have the sex you planned. It doesn’t just have to be planned and forgotten about, you can treat it like a special experience each time because of it. Make space for it in your mind and your conversation with your partner during moments other than when you’re planning and when you’re having sex to keep the excitement building.
Planning sex decreases our risk of feeling rejected:
While life can get in the way, and you may not always be able to have the sex you planned for, you’re much more assured that your partner will be in the mood and excited when you are if you’ve planned a time to be intimate with one another. When you’re spontaneous–while there are many wonderful benefits to spontaneity as well–you’re more likely to come up against a situation where your partner isn’t in the mood or may have something preventing them from being able to fully engage with you, which can feel like rejection (even if it isn’t). Planning sex gives you a sense of assurance that your partner desires intimacy with you and wants to make sure it doesn’t get forgotten, which can help ease that initial feeling of rejection when something gets in the way of having sex.
Do your best to stick with the schedule, and don’t forget to be flexible about what kinds of intimacy are involved.
One of couples’ most significant issues with this process is not following through. It’s really up to the two of you to decide how committed you are to your schedule. Pick a time that works for all involved, and don’t be afraid to update as needed.
Having a sex schedule does not mean you need to have intercourse every time (or ever). This isn’t really about sex. It’s about intimacy. The point is scheduling time to engage in whatever activities make you feel more closely connected. Perhaps it’s a make-out session. Perhaps, one week it’s oral sex. Next, you spend time giving each other massages while discussing your fantasies.
Planning sex gives space for your imagination to roam:
Eroticism thrives on imagination. When you know you’ll discuss and create intentional erotic moments between you and your partner, you give your imagination a unique opportunity! What sort of experiences does planning sex open up for you and your partner? Are there fantasies you’d like to explore that you’ve never shared with them? Do you think they have secret fantasies? What comes up in your imagination when considering what you have yet to learn about your partner’s sexuality?
If you’re having trouble connecting with your partner due to a lack of spontaneity, sex therapy can help. Sex therapy will teach you and your partner a foundation of communication skills and help you reconnect with one another on an emotional and relational level, which can lead to major improvements in the bedroom. Get in touch with us today to get started with sex therapy.